“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You Might Also Like
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.