[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
You Might Also Like
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Everyone’s family
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to