*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Morning.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
a fool and his money are hey new iphone