*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”