*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls