*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭