°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again