*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
You Might Also Like
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first