‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
this chia pet tastes awful
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.