*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.