*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people