[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
O Wise One….