[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
You Might Also Like
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.