Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The kid hasn鈥檛 pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend鈥檚 burger grilling
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Ladies, if he:
– doesn鈥檛 introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat鈥檚 my pug, you鈥檙e dating my pug
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 馃槶馃槶
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.