COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3