*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*