Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Oh thanks BBC.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!