Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.