Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.