Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.