“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Skills
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.