Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Autocorrect is my menesis
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]