purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?