Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
You Might Also Like
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning