Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”