I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.