Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…