The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
You Might Also Like
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Unexpected Judgment
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit