*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
cat vs inanimate object
Sorry Mormons, but I don鈥檛 trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it鈥檚 asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I鈥檓 ready
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Doctor: you鈥檝e got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother鈥檚 Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me