[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad