*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Wait a minute
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.