*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
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if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!