Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…