Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
handsome & gretel
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*