Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.