Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
You Might Also Like
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
What the hell happened in there??
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.