“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
You Might Also Like
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.