“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
this FaceApp is creepy af
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.