*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
You Might Also Like
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.