Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Otters see a butterfly.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
just pretend nothing happened