put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.