@noog: Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming "SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR"
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@kimwilliamz: When somebody I blocked gets RT'd into my timeline it's like they're violating their restraining order.
@dave_cactus: God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body, the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".