Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
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[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I wish all tests were things you peed on
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.