Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.