Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.