I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.