@ieatanddrink: Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
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@trayofcheese: Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
@UncleDuke1969: [bedtime] DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping. ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first. DAUGHTER: … ME: Night, sweetheart.
@Dawn_M_: A guy told me I'm bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.