Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’m being attacked 😭
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.