@bazecraze: Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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@theroneman: Son, there's only one thing in life to fear. [Car full of bears with machine guns drives by] Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
@RegularFred: Pizza is like racism. America didn't invent it, but it's hard to find a country that does it better.
@weenbeans: *barber hands me the mirror to check the back* "Looks good!" I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly