@DoogieHorner: Dogs are "practice babies" and cats are "practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with."

@OBiiieeee: *i finally get a girl over* *dad rolls out from under my bed* YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE? "dad no" A PORK CHOP

@Brampersandon_: *tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch

@Sadieisonfire: I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish

@iwearaonesie: watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college