Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi