Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.