“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
❤️❤️❤️
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.