Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
i actually laughed 😩
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.